life... whats the point

Ive gotten to the point where life appears to be pointless.

Ive been this low before but it usually passes. Ive been in this bad mood for over a month now. Its a constant black cloud. Nothing i do seems to hold and value anymore. The more work i put into trying to be a better person, the more obstacles and setbacks i experience.  Is life meant to suck? are we meant to go on repeating ourselves day after day achieving nothing? Like everyone i want to feel that its all worth something. I was a christian but not any more. I cant believe that a God that created me , knows me inside out and loves me would sit back and watch me experience the crap i have. Im not trying to sound like i feel sorry for myself i just dont understand how it is fair that some people in life have a hard time and others dont. I am a  fairly strong person. I do bounce back, but you can only stretch an eleastic band so many times before it snaps.

I think i have snapped. Im going to need some time.  I dont see the point of it all any more. There are a lot of things that i thought i was over but i guess i thought wrong.



People are  mindfucks. I have major trust issues and make no exuse for that. It is what it. Im so socially  awkward anyway, that half the time i have no idea what the hell im supposed to do. I have been trying extremely hard but vulurnability sucks. The more you open up the more chance you have of being hurt and in my case this is what happens. The more i get to know people the more i get treated like shit. Im so done with people. If you dont want to include me that is fine. Just be honest and stop playing your little games. There are people that expect me to solve their problems and all i can say is im human. stop using me as your emotional punching bag. GO TALK TO  SOMEONE WHO CARES. Im so over everyones mind games. Tell me what you want in plain english and if i can help i might otherwise go away.


It may sound like im angry. I am. Thats the problem, this bad mood makes me want to kill people. Dont get me wrong i care about people i just wish the would care back. im so sick of having one sided freindships. Its a little selfish but i want someone to care about me for a change. Im sick of being the one that cares.



In this whole time that ive been feeling shit not one person has shown the slightest bit of concern. This leads me to think that no-one is really my freind after all. I actually dont use the word friend flippantly.  I think a friend is earned not made.


Im so sick of being invisible. Invisiblity is weird. When you want to be seen no-one seems to care. The times when you wish you could hide someone will stand in front of you and pick out your every flaw.



I had such clear goals and some idea of what i wanted out of life. Now it seems all im doing is fighting my past. I want to be anything but what has come before me. Its so had not to be the alcohoic ive always been. I feel like its expect that i be the hopeless drunk that the generations before me have been. Im sick of fighting it. Its much easier to go along with it than to fight for a life of my own.




Its all pointless anyway. life lacks any sense of validity.