goodbye 2009, bring on 2010

shit shit shit sht.shit.

There is so much going on in my head right now.

Im thinking about the past, that is what 2009 has meant to me. Also, im focused on the future because 2010 is going to be huge.

2009 was has been amazing. I came out and went to FC for the first time. I was in hospital 3 times and lost my memory. In november last year, Aunty Julie died and although i miss her a lot having a new life in my niece has made it a little easier.

I dont think i'm the same person coming out of 2009 that i was going in. For one thing, you try losing five years of memory and staying the same.

Ive become involved in the perth queer community. Ive met cool people and made some extraordinary friends.

I did a radio interview and told the whole country things that i hadnt even told my closest mate. That was an experience.

I wrote, directed and starred in a short film, which once finished will be submitted into short film festivals and be the basis of a new TV show. 

In May, i made a dramatic decision which turned my entire life around. I got to the point where i was unwell yet beyond help.  I didnt want to go on being miserable but i didnt want to give up either because that is my strategy for everything. I tend to cut and run when things get too hard. I wanted to overcome. That and the fact that my sister had just had a baby.

I had always been depressed, miseable and negative and i wanted to be happy, successful and positive. I wanted the oppoosite of everyhting i had ever had and thus i would have to do the opposite of everything i had ever done. Simple logic but not simple application. It has been hard work.

Its not easy to go against everything you have ever been, though and done.

I have had my ups and down, especially lately.

I moved house in november and it has been extremely difficult for me. Richmond fellowship was my safety net. I went there straight from hospital. I was there for over a year. It was more than just a house it was more like a rehab facility. i went there as a very sick and unsure person. I left confident and knowing excatly who i am.

Im moving again in three weeks and then in about a month after that.




I celebrated christmas for the first time in about five years. I had a real christmas with presents and food and the whold deal, and i didnt turn to shit. It was relatively ok.

There was no knife throwing, no violence and no arguing.



This year i have found: sanity, clarity, and friends. Im a better person because of 2009.

It has been the hardest year of my life to date but i have learnt so much.

In 2010 im going to continue to be doing positive things. no more going backwards.

Im so scared but im not going to back out.
  
Right  now im having a  lot of trouble finding meaning in life. Im not going to give up though 2010 will be better.

I just wish i had someone to talk to about this.