shit shit shit sht.shit.
There is so much going on in my head right now.
Im thinking about the past, that is what 2009 has meant to me. Also, im focused on the future because 2010 is going to be huge.
2009 was has been amazing. I came out and went to FC for the first time. I was in hospital 3 times and lost my memory. In november last year, Aunty Julie died and although i miss her a lot having a new life in my niece has made it a little easier.
I dont think i'm the same person coming out of 2009 that i was going in. For one thing, you try losing five years of memory and staying the same.
Ive become involved in the perth queer community. Ive met cool people and made some extraordinary friends.
I did a radio interview and told the whole country things that i hadnt even told my closest mate. That was an experience.
I wrote, directed and starred in a short film, which once finished will be submitted into short film festivals and be the basis of a new TV show.
In May, i made a dramatic decision which turned my entire life around. I got to the point where i was unwell yet beyond help. I didnt want to go on being miserable but i didnt want to give up either because that is my strategy for everything. I tend to cut and run when things get too hard. I wanted to overcome. That and the fact that my sister had just had a baby.
I had always been depressed, miseable and negative and i wanted to be happy, successful and positive. I wanted the oppoosite of everyhting i had ever had and thus i would have to do the opposite of everything i had ever done. Simple logic but not simple application. It has been hard work.
Its not easy to go against everything you have ever been, though and done.
I have had my ups and down, especially lately.
I moved house in november and it has been extremely difficult for me. Richmond fellowship was my safety net. I went there straight from hospital. I was there for over a year. It was more than just a house it was more like a rehab facility. i went there as a very sick and unsure person. I left confident and knowing excatly who i am.
Im moving again in three weeks and then in about a month after that.
I celebrated christmas for the first time in about five years. I had a real christmas with presents and food and the whold deal, and i didnt turn to shit. It was relatively ok.
There was no knife throwing, no violence and no arguing.
This year i have found: sanity, clarity, and friends. Im a better person because of 2009.
It has been the hardest year of my life to date but i have learnt so much.
In 2010 im going to continue to be doing positive things. no more going backwards.
Im so scared but im not going to back out.
Right now im having a lot of trouble finding meaning in life. Im not going to give up though 2010 will be better.
I just wish i had someone to talk to about this.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
just fucking tell me what you're thinking!
"Come Right Out And Say It"
I'd better rest my eyes
'Cause I'm growing weary of
This point you've been trying to make
So rather than imply
Why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say
Thought this would turn out so well
But I'm beginning to see
That instead it's trouble
Into a pattern we fell
Of prolonging the inevitable
Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)?
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear
I better check my pride
Because I was starting to think
I was on to something good
But things started to slide
And I sit here in retrospect
And understanding that I misunderstood
Thought I could make up your mind
And then this decision locks up
So tight it couldn't be touched
Thought you were being so kind
But keeping your mouth sealed shut
Rather than just opening it up
And I tried
To guess what goes on in your head
'Cause in your mind
I just might find
All those things you left unsaid
And I'll try to maybe not regret anything
Later on after I'm gone
You'll wish that you
Had listened to me (listened to me)
Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are gonna hurt
We're better off this way
Why don't you
Come right out and say come right out and say
What I know you're thinking anyway
Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)
What it is you're thinking
And just what it is you're thinking
I'd better rest my eyes
'Cause I'm growing weary of
This point you've been trying to make
So rather than imply
Why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say
Thought this would turn out so well
But I'm beginning to see
That instead it's trouble
Into a pattern we fell
Of prolonging the inevitable
Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)?
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear
I better check my pride
Because I was starting to think
I was on to something good
But things started to slide
And I sit here in retrospect
And understanding that I misunderstood
Thought I could make up your mind
And then this decision locks up
So tight it couldn't be touched
Thought you were being so kind
But keeping your mouth sealed shut
Rather than just opening it up
And I tried
To guess what goes on in your head
'Cause in your mind
I just might find
All those things you left unsaid
And I'll try to maybe not regret anything
Later on after I'm gone
You'll wish that you
Had listened to me (listened to me)
Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are gonna hurt
We're better off this way
Why don't you
Come right out and say come right out and say
What I know you're thinking anyway
Why don't you
Come right out and say it
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)
What it is you're thinking
And just what it is you're thinking
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Monday, December 07, 2009
life... whats the point
Ive gotten to the point where life appears to be pointless.
Ive been this low before but it usually passes. Ive been in this bad mood for over a month now. Its a constant black cloud. Nothing i do seems to hold and value anymore. The more work i put into trying to be a better person, the more obstacles and setbacks i experience. Is life meant to suck? are we meant to go on repeating ourselves day after day achieving nothing? Like everyone i want to feel that its all worth something. I was a christian but not any more. I cant believe that a God that created me , knows me inside out and loves me would sit back and watch me experience the crap i have. Im not trying to sound like i feel sorry for myself i just dont understand how it is fair that some people in life have a hard time and others dont. I am a fairly strong person. I do bounce back, but you can only stretch an eleastic band so many times before it snaps.
I think i have snapped. Im going to need some time. I dont see the point of it all any more. There are a lot of things that i thought i was over but i guess i thought wrong.
People are mindfucks. I have major trust issues and make no exuse for that. It is what it. Im so socially awkward anyway, that half the time i have no idea what the hell im supposed to do. I have been trying extremely hard but vulurnability sucks. The more you open up the more chance you have of being hurt and in my case this is what happens. The more i get to know people the more i get treated like shit. Im so done with people. If you dont want to include me that is fine. Just be honest and stop playing your little games. There are people that expect me to solve their problems and all i can say is im human. stop using me as your emotional punching bag. GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO CARES. Im so over everyones mind games. Tell me what you want in plain english and if i can help i might otherwise go away.
It may sound like im angry. I am. Thats the problem, this bad mood makes me want to kill people. Dont get me wrong i care about people i just wish the would care back. im so sick of having one sided freindships. Its a little selfish but i want someone to care about me for a change. Im sick of being the one that cares.
In this whole time that ive been feeling shit not one person has shown the slightest bit of concern. This leads me to think that no-one is really my freind after all. I actually dont use the word friend flippantly. I think a friend is earned not made.
Im so sick of being invisible. Invisiblity is weird. When you want to be seen no-one seems to care. The times when you wish you could hide someone will stand in front of you and pick out your every flaw.
I had such clear goals and some idea of what i wanted out of life. Now it seems all im doing is fighting my past. I want to be anything but what has come before me. Its so had not to be the alcohoic ive always been. I feel like its expect that i be the hopeless drunk that the generations before me have been. Im sick of fighting it. Its much easier to go along with it than to fight for a life of my own.
Its all pointless anyway. life lacks any sense of validity.
Ive been this low before but it usually passes. Ive been in this bad mood for over a month now. Its a constant black cloud. Nothing i do seems to hold and value anymore. The more work i put into trying to be a better person, the more obstacles and setbacks i experience. Is life meant to suck? are we meant to go on repeating ourselves day after day achieving nothing? Like everyone i want to feel that its all worth something. I was a christian but not any more. I cant believe that a God that created me , knows me inside out and loves me would sit back and watch me experience the crap i have. Im not trying to sound like i feel sorry for myself i just dont understand how it is fair that some people in life have a hard time and others dont. I am a fairly strong person. I do bounce back, but you can only stretch an eleastic band so many times before it snaps.
I think i have snapped. Im going to need some time. I dont see the point of it all any more. There are a lot of things that i thought i was over but i guess i thought wrong.
People are mindfucks. I have major trust issues and make no exuse for that. It is what it. Im so socially awkward anyway, that half the time i have no idea what the hell im supposed to do. I have been trying extremely hard but vulurnability sucks. The more you open up the more chance you have of being hurt and in my case this is what happens. The more i get to know people the more i get treated like shit. Im so done with people. If you dont want to include me that is fine. Just be honest and stop playing your little games. There are people that expect me to solve their problems and all i can say is im human. stop using me as your emotional punching bag. GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO CARES. Im so over everyones mind games. Tell me what you want in plain english and if i can help i might otherwise go away.
It may sound like im angry. I am. Thats the problem, this bad mood makes me want to kill people. Dont get me wrong i care about people i just wish the would care back. im so sick of having one sided freindships. Its a little selfish but i want someone to care about me for a change. Im sick of being the one that cares.
In this whole time that ive been feeling shit not one person has shown the slightest bit of concern. This leads me to think that no-one is really my freind after all. I actually dont use the word friend flippantly. I think a friend is earned not made.
Im so sick of being invisible. Invisiblity is weird. When you want to be seen no-one seems to care. The times when you wish you could hide someone will stand in front of you and pick out your every flaw.
I had such clear goals and some idea of what i wanted out of life. Now it seems all im doing is fighting my past. I want to be anything but what has come before me. Its so had not to be the alcohoic ive always been. I feel like its expect that i be the hopeless drunk that the generations before me have been. Im sick of fighting it. Its much easier to go along with it than to fight for a life of my own.
Its all pointless anyway. life lacks any sense of validity.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
moving house
so i moved house yesterday and it was totally hectic.
im so glad to be in a new place though as it marks the beginning of a new stage in my life.
I was in the old place for over a year and i feel like a different person leaving than the one who moved in there.
Its all good.
Im trying not to self- sabotage this opportunity.
wish me luck!
im so glad to be in a new place though as it marks the beginning of a new stage in my life.
I was in the old place for over a year and i feel like a different person leaving than the one who moved in there.
Its all good.
Im trying not to self- sabotage this opportunity.
wish me luck!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
my day
so Ive been lost in my head all day in a maze of thoughts and emotions.
Ive come to the conclusion that im going to take a risk and be more vulurnable.
im going to drop my wall a little bit.
I think it will be worth it.
Decicion made. wish me luck.
Ive come to the conclusion that im going to take a risk and be more vulurnable.
im going to drop my wall a little bit.
I think it will be worth it.
Decicion made. wish me luck.
hello old friend
WELL, its been over two years but im reviving my blog.
im not doing this for anyone but myself i couldnt care less who read this.
This is for my thereapy.
im not doing this for anyone but myself i couldnt care less who read this.
This is for my thereapy.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
mmmm.... coffee!!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO COFFEE WHEN...
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffee pot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
Your son's first two two names are Robert and Harris.
You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realise it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Kramer of Seinfeld thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you can eat chilis raw.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffee pot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
Your son's first two two names are Robert and Harris.
You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realise it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Kramer of Seinfeld thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you can eat chilis raw.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
The thing i like about me blog is that i know no-one ever reads it, so i can pretty much write whatever the hell i want.
so i am going to post my most recent poem and i know that no-one will ever read it or get offended by it.
I hate the way you know me
I hate it when you don’t
I hate it when you get on my nerves
I hate it when you don’t
I hate it when you smile at me
In an attempt to cheer me up
I hate it when you frown at me
And when I piss you off
I hate it when you show you care
Even for a second
I hate it when you don’t care
And express it so blatantly
I hate it when you laugh at me
And pull me down so easily
I hate it when you laugh with me and understand my jokes
I hate it how I try so hard
You mother fucking tease
I hate it when you ignore me for days and days on end
I hate it when you are there for me despite everything
I hate it when you listen to me
I hate it when you are rude
I hate the way you make me talk
And talk and talk some more
I hate it how you pester me
Give it a fucking rest
I hate it when you judge me
Like you fucking perfect
I hate it how you forget everything
And the way that makes me feel
I hate the way you stress and strive
I hate seeing you hurt yourself
And the fact that I can’t help.
I hate it how you change you mind a million times a minute
I know you cant commit to anything it drive me insane.
I hate that I opened up to you
And that I found out who you really are.
I hate that you’ll never say sorry
And that it’s always my fault
I hate the way you are always right
You mother fucking hypocrite
I hate the way you try and get me to change
And that you’ll never see the plank in your eye
I hate the way you try and get me to open up
But you never open up to me
I hate the way that is always about me
And that you hate it too.
I hate what you do to me and who I have become.
I hate the way you’ll never understand
I hate it when you are not around
And when I want to call you
But I know I can’t
I hate it when I send you text messages
and that you never reply
To the note that says I’m thinking of you and I miss you dearly
I hate it when you don’t show up
And how you let me down
I hate that there is no solution
I hate the way you hurt me
I hate it that I can’t tell you this
I hate myself for making this mistake
I hate that you mean so much
And that I smile at the thought of you
I want to hate you
I really do
But I can’t help it
I don’t hate you , I never have and never will.
so i am going to post my most recent poem and i know that no-one will ever read it or get offended by it.
I hate the way you know me
I hate it when you don’t
I hate it when you get on my nerves
I hate it when you don’t
I hate it when you smile at me
In an attempt to cheer me up
I hate it when you frown at me
And when I piss you off
I hate it when you show you care
Even for a second
I hate it when you don’t care
And express it so blatantly
I hate it when you laugh at me
And pull me down so easily
I hate it when you laugh with me and understand my jokes
I hate it how I try so hard
You mother fucking tease
I hate it when you ignore me for days and days on end
I hate it when you are there for me despite everything
I hate it when you listen to me
I hate it when you are rude
I hate the way you make me talk
And talk and talk some more
I hate it how you pester me
Give it a fucking rest
I hate it when you judge me
Like you fucking perfect
I hate it how you forget everything
And the way that makes me feel
I hate the way you stress and strive
I hate seeing you hurt yourself
And the fact that I can’t help.
I hate it how you change you mind a million times a minute
I know you cant commit to anything it drive me insane.
I hate that I opened up to you
And that I found out who you really are.
I hate that you’ll never say sorry
And that it’s always my fault
I hate the way you are always right
You mother fucking hypocrite
I hate the way you try and get me to change
And that you’ll never see the plank in your eye
I hate the way you try and get me to open up
But you never open up to me
I hate the way that is always about me
And that you hate it too.
I hate what you do to me and who I have become.
I hate the way you’ll never understand
I hate it when you are not around
And when I want to call you
But I know I can’t
I hate it when I send you text messages
and that you never reply
To the note that says I’m thinking of you and I miss you dearly
I hate it when you don’t show up
And how you let me down
I hate that there is no solution
I hate the way you hurt me
I hate it that I can’t tell you this
I hate myself for making this mistake
I hate that you mean so much
And that I smile at the thought of you
I want to hate you
I really do
But I can’t help it
I don’t hate you , I never have and never will.
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