I just want to go home, have a shower, wash this whole experience off me and put myself to bed.

but nowhere is home

ffffffffffffffffffffaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkk!

so i just moved into a new house and everything was fine.........

It is amazing how the selfishness of one persons actions affect other people.

I thought after all I've been through it had finally stopped raining shit.

But i was so very wrong.

Im not sure i can live in that house anymore but i have to. I have nowhere else to go.

F mmyyyy liffeee.

this sucks

I have everything right now. That is except for the two people that are keeping me from falling apart.

 Oh the blank faces.
 The empty spaces.
 love is vacant.
 love is'nt here at all.

goodbye 2009, bring on 2010

shit shit shit sht.shit.

There is so much going on in my head right now.

Im thinking about the past, that is what 2009 has meant to me. Also, im focused on the future because 2010 is going to be huge.

2009 was has been amazing. I came out and went to FC for the first time. I was in hospital 3 times and lost my memory. In november last year, Aunty Julie died and although i miss her a lot having a new life in my niece has made it a little easier.

I dont think i'm the same person coming out of 2009 that i was going in. For one thing, you try losing five years of memory and staying the same.

Ive become involved in the perth queer community. Ive met cool people and made some extraordinary friends.

I did a radio interview and told the whole country things that i hadnt even told my closest mate. That was an experience.

I wrote, directed and starred in a short film, which once finished will be submitted into short film festivals and be the basis of a new TV show. 

In May, i made a dramatic decision which turned my entire life around. I got to the point where i was unwell yet beyond help.  I didnt want to go on being miserable but i didnt want to give up either because that is my strategy for everything. I tend to cut and run when things get too hard. I wanted to overcome. That and the fact that my sister had just had a baby.

I had always been depressed, miseable and negative and i wanted to be happy, successful and positive. I wanted the oppoosite of everyhting i had ever had and thus i would have to do the opposite of everything i had ever done. Simple logic but not simple application. It has been hard work.

Its not easy to go against everything you have ever been, though and done.

I have had my ups and down, especially lately.

I moved house in november and it has been extremely difficult for me. Richmond fellowship was my safety net. I went there straight from hospital. I was there for over a year. It was more than just a house it was more like a rehab facility. i went there as a very sick and unsure person. I left confident and knowing excatly who i am.

Im moving again in three weeks and then in about a month after that.




I celebrated christmas for the first time in about five years. I had a real christmas with presents and food and the whold deal, and i didnt turn to shit. It was relatively ok.

There was no knife throwing, no violence and no arguing.



This year i have found: sanity, clarity, and friends. Im a better person because of 2009.

It has been the hardest year of my life to date but i have learnt so much.

In 2010 im going to continue to be doing positive things. no more going backwards.

Im so scared but im not going to back out.
  
Right  now im having a  lot of trouble finding meaning in life. Im not going to give up though 2010 will be better.

I just wish i had someone to talk to about this.
                      

just fucking tell me what you're thinking!

"Come Right Out And Say It"




I'd better rest my eyes

'Cause I'm growing weary of

This point you've been trying to make

So rather than imply

Why don't you just verbalize

All the things that you're trying to say



Thought this would turn out so well

But I'm beginning to see

That instead it's trouble

Into a pattern we fell

Of prolonging the inevitable



Why don't you

Come right out and say it?

Even if the words are probably gonna hurt

I'd rather have the truth

Than something insincere

Why don't you

Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)?

What it is you're thinking

Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear



I better check my pride

Because I was starting to think

I was on to something good

But things started to slide

And I sit here in retrospect

And understanding that I misunderstood

Thought I could make up your mind

And then this decision locks up

So tight it couldn't be touched

Thought you were being so kind

But keeping your mouth sealed shut

Rather than just opening it up



And I tried

To guess what goes on in your head

'Cause in your mind

I just might find

All those things you left unsaid

And I'll try to maybe not regret anything

Later on after I'm gone

You'll wish that you

Had listened to me (listened to me)



Why don't you

Come right out and say it

Even if the words are gonna hurt

We're better off this way

Why don't you

Come right out and say come right out and say

What I know you're thinking anyway

Why don't you

Come right out and say it

Even if the words are probably gonna hurt

I'd rather have the truth than something insincere

Why don't you

Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)

What it is you're thinking

And just what it is you're thinking

Meh..

surrounded by strangers
totally alone....
Clinging to the past
and hoping for the future.

Broken heart
and forgotten dreams

life... whats the point

Ive gotten to the point where life appears to be pointless.

Ive been this low before but it usually passes. Ive been in this bad mood for over a month now. Its a constant black cloud. Nothing i do seems to hold and value anymore. The more work i put into trying to be a better person, the more obstacles and setbacks i experience.  Is life meant to suck? are we meant to go on repeating ourselves day after day achieving nothing? Like everyone i want to feel that its all worth something. I was a christian but not any more. I cant believe that a God that created me , knows me inside out and loves me would sit back and watch me experience the crap i have. Im not trying to sound like i feel sorry for myself i just dont understand how it is fair that some people in life have a hard time and others dont. I am a  fairly strong person. I do bounce back, but you can only stretch an eleastic band so many times before it snaps.

I think i have snapped. Im going to need some time.  I dont see the point of it all any more. There are a lot of things that i thought i was over but i guess i thought wrong.



People are  mindfucks. I have major trust issues and make no exuse for that. It is what it. Im so socially  awkward anyway, that half the time i have no idea what the hell im supposed to do. I have been trying extremely hard but vulurnability sucks. The more you open up the more chance you have of being hurt and in my case this is what happens. The more i get to know people the more i get treated like shit. Im so done with people. If you dont want to include me that is fine. Just be honest and stop playing your little games. There are people that expect me to solve their problems and all i can say is im human. stop using me as your emotional punching bag. GO TALK TO  SOMEONE WHO CARES. Im so over everyones mind games. Tell me what you want in plain english and if i can help i might otherwise go away.


It may sound like im angry. I am. Thats the problem, this bad mood makes me want to kill people. Dont get me wrong i care about people i just wish the would care back. im so sick of having one sided freindships. Its a little selfish but i want someone to care about me for a change. Im sick of being the one that cares.



In this whole time that ive been feeling shit not one person has shown the slightest bit of concern. This leads me to think that no-one is really my freind after all. I actually dont use the word friend flippantly.  I think a friend is earned not made.


Im so sick of being invisible. Invisiblity is weird. When you want to be seen no-one seems to care. The times when you wish you could hide someone will stand in front of you and pick out your every flaw.



I had such clear goals and some idea of what i wanted out of life. Now it seems all im doing is fighting my past. I want to be anything but what has come before me. Its so had not to be the alcohoic ive always been. I feel like its expect that i be the hopeless drunk that the generations before me have been. Im sick of fighting it. Its much easier to go along with it than to fight for a life of my own.




Its all pointless anyway. life lacks any sense of validity.






 

moving house

so i moved house yesterday and it was totally hectic.

im so glad to be in a new place though as it marks the beginning of a new stage in my life.

I was in the old place for over a year and i feel like a different person leaving than the one who moved in there.

Its all good.

Im trying not to self- sabotage this opportunity.

wish me luck!

my day

so Ive been lost in my head all day in a maze of thoughts and emotions.

Ive come to the conclusion that im going to take a risk and be more vulurnable.

im going to drop my wall a little bit.

I think it will be worth it.

Decicion made. wish me luck.

hello old friend

WELL, its been over two years but  im reviving my blog.

im not doing this for anyone but myself i couldnt care less who read this.

This is for my thereapy.